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Humour Of The Day - Any Day
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| 28-Apr-10 5:27:52 PM
Whoever Called them to the BAR-?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court , word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:  He said , 'Where am I , Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:  My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:  No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:  I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:  We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:  We do.
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:  Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:  He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:  Are you s...ing me?
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:  Getting laid!!
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:  None.
ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
WITNESS:  Your Honor , I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:  By death.
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:  Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No , this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:  All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral..
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:  The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:  If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:  Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , before you performed the autopsy , did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  So , then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure , Doctor?
WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see , but could the patient have still been alive , nevertheless?
WITNESS:  Yes , it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  

 

Hope you've had a good laugh & don't require one of the above to represent you!!
 

 

 

 

Comments (0) | 11-Jun-09 8:20:31 PM
IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and, even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to find there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...


"Look Paddy....there's that dumb idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"


 

 

 
 

 

 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
   


Comments (0) | 11-Jun-09 7:26:42 PM
Little Johnny's At It Again!!
Little Johnny's at it again.........!!
 
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said,  'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

*     *      *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mummy?'  he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,'  said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?'  asked Little Johnny.  'Giving up?'

*     *     *     *     *      *    *     *     *     *     *

The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and said,  'Johnny!  What are 102 and 108 and 703 ?'
Little Johnny quickly replied,  'TV 1, TV 2 and MARTIN YAN CHINA!

 *           *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local Police Station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,'  said the policeman.  'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Little Johnny asked,  'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture...?'

*     *     *     *     *     *      *     *     *     *     *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.  He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.  After a few minutes, Johnny asked,  'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied,  'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'
Johnny, looking worried, said,  'Dad, I think the Telecom guy wants to buy Mum.'

*    *     *      *     *     *     *     *     *     *

If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here.  Pass it on with a smile.  Keep spreading the cheer!  Pass on to your friends!  They like Johnny too ya know! Thanks to those original jokers for sharing these.
Comments (0) | 11-Jun-09 7:10:20 PM
SAMSON N DELILAH
BOTTLE OF WINE

 A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
 slippery, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both
 their cars are total wreck but amazingly neither of
 them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.  
 
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling
 about women drivers.
The woman says: So, you're a man! That's
 interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
 There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be
 a sign from God that we should be friends, make up and celebrate.
 
Flattered, the man replies: Oh yes, I agree completely;
 this must be a sign from God! But you're still at
 fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.
 
The woman continues: And look at this ( holding a wine bootle), here's another
 miracle! My car is completely smashed up but this bottle of
 wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
 wine and celebrate our good fortune!!
 
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
 agreement; opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
 hands it back to the woman.
 The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands
 it back to the man.
 
The man asks: Aren't you having any?
The woman replies, No. I think I'll just wait for the
 police....( Got you!)

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are smart, 
Don't mess up with them!!
SAMSON, never FORGETS DELILAH!



Comments (0) | 11-Jun-09 6:48:46 PM